Dear Children Ages 4-6:
Below please find a guide to when it is appropriate, and when it is not appropriate, to yell "Mama, Watch This!"
1. Mama, watch this! I can hit a balloon into the air.
Not appropriate.
2. Mama, watch this! I solved the Rubik's Cube!
Appropriate.
3. Mama, watch this! I can waddle like a duck.
Not appropriate. Seriously, I'm trying to do the dishes.
4. Mama, watch this! I'm juggling the cats.
Appropriate. Now let me try.
5. Mama, watch this! I can slowly turn around in a circle.
Not appropriate. There is no way I'm stopping what I'm doing to watch that.
6. Mama, watch this! I can look up at the ceiling.
Not appropriate. Come on. Why is that even a thing?
7. Mama, watch this! I contacted Grandma's ghost using the Ouija board.
Not appropriate.
8. Mama, watch this! I'm on the roof!
Appropriate. And I probably should have been watching you earlier.
9. Mama, watch this! I'm clapping my hands.
Not appropriate. What are you, an infant?
10. Mama, watch this! I'm reading your blog posts.
Fuck.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Study Reveals That Yes, This Is What It's All About, Sorry
A ten year study, conducted by a local administrative assistant, has concluded that yes, this is what life is all about. Filing and typing and answering the telephone. This is as good as it's going to get for you. Sorry.
The administrative assistant in charge of the study followed her own career over the course of a ten year period, making detailed case notes on social media such as "Can't they order their own fucking sandwiches?" and "WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? #cubiclessuck". The administrative assistant dedicated every waking moment of her life to the study, except for weekends when she completely forgot that the study existed. But then Monday came along and goddammit, the study started again.
While initial findings and inspirational Facebook memes indicated that there was still a sliver of hope, by the end of the ten year period it was clear that no, this is pretty much it. Printing labels and sticking them onto file folders one hundred times in a row is the reason that you were given the gift of life and born into this world, so you'd better just get used to it.
As a control group, the administrative assistant studied the careers of several friends who did not enter into the field of administrative support. Such friends include Lisa, who thinks she's special just because she became a lawyer, Mark, who thinks he's cool just because he became a player for the NBA, and Tara who thinks she's hot shit because she plays the violin for an orchestra in Vienna.
Vienna!
Preliminary results indicated that you shouldn't have even bothered going to college, while by the end of the ten year period it was confirmed that yes, college was a total waste of your parent's money. Further research also found that when you want something, all of the universe conspires in helping you achieve it, except in your case. Just forget it. I mean, it's been ten years.
Complete results of the study may be found on the administrative assistant's Facebook newsfeed, Blogger page, and within several thousand emails to her administrative coworkers who used to be content in their careers but have since concluded that shit, she's right.
The administrative assistant in charge of the study followed her own career over the course of a ten year period, making detailed case notes on social media such as "Can't they order their own fucking sandwiches?" and "WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? #cubiclessuck". The administrative assistant dedicated every waking moment of her life to the study, except for weekends when she completely forgot that the study existed. But then Monday came along and goddammit, the study started again.
While initial findings and inspirational Facebook memes indicated that there was still a sliver of hope, by the end of the ten year period it was clear that no, this is pretty much it. Printing labels and sticking them onto file folders one hundred times in a row is the reason that you were given the gift of life and born into this world, so you'd better just get used to it.
As a control group, the administrative assistant studied the careers of several friends who did not enter into the field of administrative support. Such friends include Lisa, who thinks she's special just because she became a lawyer, Mark, who thinks he's cool just because he became a player for the NBA, and Tara who thinks she's hot shit because she plays the violin for an orchestra in Vienna.
Vienna!
Preliminary results indicated that you shouldn't have even bothered going to college, while by the end of the ten year period it was confirmed that yes, college was a total waste of your parent's money. Further research also found that when you want something, all of the universe conspires in helping you achieve it, except in your case. Just forget it. I mean, it's been ten years.
Complete results of the study may be found on the administrative assistant's Facebook newsfeed, Blogger page, and within several thousand emails to her administrative coworkers who used to be content in their careers but have since concluded that shit, she's right.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
How We're Celebrating Independence Day Week At The Office
*Complete financial dependence on corporation.
*Timesheets due July 3rd.
*Halfhearted "Happy Fourth!" to jerkoffs leaving office at 2:00 p.m. on July 2nd.
*Contemplating alternate world where United States never gained independence from England, and how fulfilling and cool our alternate British careers probably would have been.
*Increase in white paper, red and blue pen use.
*Delighting coworkers by performing Stars & Stripes Forever cymbal crashes at random moments throughout week.
*Hot dog eating contest alone in car, just like last Wednesday.
*Setting off Roman Candle. Somewhere. You'll see.
*Timesheets due July 3rd.
*Halfhearted "Happy Fourth!" to jerkoffs leaving office at 2:00 p.m. on July 2nd.
*Contemplating alternate world where United States never gained independence from England, and how fulfilling and cool our alternate British careers probably would have been.
*Increase in white paper, red and blue pen use.
*Delighting coworkers by performing Stars & Stripes Forever cymbal crashes at random moments throughout week.
*Hot dog eating contest alone in car, just like last Wednesday.
*Setting off Roman Candle. Somewhere. You'll see.
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