“When he didn’t blow the smell of burnt Pop Tarts all over the office this morning, I went by his cubicle to check on him,” said Andrew Miron, 26. “And there he was, just kind of slumped over on his keyboard. Naturally, I suspected the worst.”
When asked why he didn’t report the possible death to management, Miron stated that had it been true, it really would have been a shit ton of paperwork. Never mind the fact that his timesheet was still due.
“Actually, I was pretty sure he was okay,” he added. “Yeah.”
Throughout the day, several other employees expressed half-assed concern for their co-worker when his out-of-office auto reply from Friday failed to be turned off, and when Gatch suddenly fell out of his chair and onto the floor where he remained until approximately 6:00 p.m.
“We all thought he was a goner for sure,” said Gatch’s administrative assistant of seven years, Megan McNulty. “I mean, all the signs were there: slumped over, no contact with anybody for an entire day, an odd smell emanating from his cubicle. It was a pretty text book case of somebody dying at their desk and everybody in the office knowing about it but doing absolutely nothing.”
It was not until Monday evening that janitor Harvey Ferber, after emptying the once thought dead man’s recycle bin, witnessed Gatch casually get up off the floor, click Print in his Microsoft Word document, and walk over to his printer as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.
“He’s alive! He’s alive! I shouted,” said Ferber, demonstrating the excitement and relief he felt upon realizing that Gatch was still of this world. “As you may or may not know, these things don’t usually turn out so well for janitorial staff.”
As of press time, Gatch was headed home to his wife who thinks he died three years ago.
