Always Something Kinda Gross at DD

This time it's sausage links inside a sandwich. Were sausage patties which are round and flat and MADE TO FIT INSIDE A SANDWICH making too much sense? This thing is like an egg and cheese pontoon boat. No thanks.

Tear in Space-Time Continuum Linked to Incomplete Timesheets

Despite several friendly reminders issued throughout the day on Friday, not a single employee of Burke & Wagner, P.C. has bothered to complete their timesheet before leaving for the day, resulting in a potentially serious tear in the space-time continuum.

"Yep, that looks like your classic Schwarzchild wormhole," said head of Payroll, Michelle St. Pierre, shaking her head and crawling backwards out of the black, swirling, vortex located in the third floor IT supply closet. "Last time we had one of these was the day before Thanksgiving."

As twenty-seven somewhat bewildered employees from an alternate version of Burke & Wagner emerged from the wormhole, twenty-seven employees from the original version of Burke & Wagner emerged happily into the parking lot to begin their Fourth of July weekend.

Don't let this happen to your office

"They never take me seriously," said St. Pierre, ducking into her office to avoid running into the slightly thinner, twelve-toed, version of herself rounding the corner. "They're always too busy for timesheets. Well tell me this, how do they think they're going to get paid? And what do they think is holding together the fabric of the universe?"

It is a little known fact among the scientific community that failure to complete ones timesheet, particularly after receiving an email reminder with a clip art sun waving an American flag at the bottom, will cause the opening of a once thought impossible "traversable wormhole” that can be used to cross between universes. It will also cause HR to be super bitchy.

“If this happens again, I’m not sure our universe will survive it. Timesheets need to be completed by 5:00 p.m. on Fridays for a reason, no exceptions!” shouted St. Pierre as her office, both legs, and left arm flickered in and out of existence. “Well, except for Dave who showed up from Universe 176Q a few months back. He can’t enter a timesheet with just a dorsal fin, but he turned out to be one hell of an engineer.”

Classy

The Town of Saugus's homepage is, for reasons weird and unknown, full of erectile dysfunction ads.

Cookies

When cookies with this many ingredients have an expiration date of today on them, you know your vending machine company sucks.

One of About a Thousand Great Quotes

From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 

"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." ~ Douglas Adams

Shoplet Blog!

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Somehow I Manage

If you’re a fan of The Office, you surely know about the management manual Michael Scott cleverly called “Somehow I Manage.” You can actually read a few extremely short chapters of “Somehow I Manage” (and by chapters I mean paragraphs) on NBC’s website.

I was reminded of this is because I was in my boss’s office today and saw a book on his desk called “Don’t Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette.”

Me

Once I got past the sheer ludicrousness of not taking the last donut (Do we just stand around the last donut saying things to each other like “After you, sir,” and “No, I couldn’t possibly take that donut my good fellow,” and “Please, YOU have it, I insist,” until one of us gets a phone call and the group disperses and the last donut goes to waste? Fools!) I started wondering how many other business books have similarly stupid titles. I remembered seeing one at work called “Eat That Frog!” with the exclamation point and everything. A quick Google search tells me that the title is from a Mark Twain quote:

“If you eat a frog first thing in the morning that will probably be the worst thing you do all day.”

That’s actually a pretty good quote, and I like Mark Twain, so let me stop making fun of it and get on with making fun of other books that I haven’t put any effort into researching:

Poke the Box
Unfolding the Napkin
Who Says Elephants Can’t Dance
Juggling Elephants
Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
The No Asshole Rule
Fish!
Whale Done!

Now let me come up with a few of my own:

Smelling Your Cubicle
Help! I Spilled Gatorade on my Pants!
Some Enjoy Marmalade
Rollerblading Douchebags
Bringing Back the Bowl Cut
Work First, Self Last

If you think up any of your own, please post them below. Whale done everybody!