A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Smell Like a Chain-Smoking Matthew Perry

One of the many charms of working in a shared office building is the existence of people who work at other companies. We see them come out of their mysterious offices for lunch, or cigarette breaks, or to go to their cars. They look like us, and even talk like us, but they are very much an alien race. Rarely do we speak to these people or know their names, and only under extreme circumstances are we ever invited inside their offices (one time I had to notarize something for the people across the hall. It was terrifying.). For all we know, the Sears Billing Center is just a front for the Human-Orc Inter-Species Fertility Clinic, am I right?

And so, rather than extending a hand to these strangers and saying "welcome to our planet," it is much easier to make up silly nicknames for them to laugh about with your co-workers. After all, our office is always better than your office. Well, unless it's MY office, in which case it sucks.

Here are some of the loons who work in my building:

1. Chain-smoking Matthew Perry
2. Crazy Muppet Lady
3. Cellbert
4. Coming up the stairs at 5:00 Fed Ex Girl
5. Bald Ex-Marine Smoker
6. Bon Jovi Hair Lady a/k/a Porcupine
7. Zoot Suit Riot
8. Raspy
9. Jumbo a/k/a Fat Guy Small Car a/k/a Weeble
10. Office Affair Duo
11. Huge Paralegal #1
12. Huge Paralegal #2
13. Sneakers Aren't Just for Fridays Girl
14. Corpse

Of course Raspy, Corpse, and the gang probably have nicknames of their own for me, but at least I will never be known as "Bon Jovi Hair Lady."

Got any office nicknames of your own? Post them below!