Thank God it's April Fool's Day, Otherwise My Life Really Blows

Alright guys, I get it. It’s April Fool’s Day so you rigged up my cubicle like this. Very funny. What’d you do, pay someone to come in here and install those fluorescent overhead lights? And that hideous gray fabric...you actually covered my entire cubicle with it? You guys are insane! What an elaborate prank you dreamed up, I’m truly touched. Oh wait - oh my God - did you do this too? You found documents from as far back as 2005 and added them to my stack of To-Be-Filed? Where did you even....how did you....wow. As far as jokes go, this is really over the top. I mean, I was driving into work this morning not even realizing what day it was, meanwhile you guys were here really trying to pull one over on me. 

Now, don’t tell me. This dictation tape, this one right here that sounds like it was recorded during the tsunami and that I’ve been rewinding every 4 seconds trying to decipher all the mumbling, you set this up too? God, you guys must’ve been up all night. What a relief, because I was ready to blow somebody’s head off if this thing turned out to be real. But it was all in good fun, right?

Before I open up Outlook, let me guess. You guys each came up with individual douche-bag requests to email me about? Yup, yup, look, here’s one from Richard asking me to Google him a phone number, and another from Mike asking me to bring him a file that’s in the cabinet directly outside his office. Oh and Jim actually asked me to get him Mapquest directions! Mapquest. You’re too funny. Hey I can dish it as well as I can take it - eat shit losers!! Ahh, only on April Fool’s Day! 

Joke's over guys. Where's my real job? 

I hope nobody else in the office got upset about what you did to the coffeemaker though. Making the coffee taste like it was brewed inside a homeless man’s jock strap, that must’ve taken some planning. You must have spent months making sure that nobody cleaned the pot or ordered a quality brand of coffee. And then making sure there would be no cream in the fridge other than Coffeemate, when you know that Coffeemate gives me diarrhea? Genius. 

What more can I say? Well played everybody. It’s days like this that make me realize how lucky I am to work at this company, and...hmmm, that’s weird. My phone says that it’s March 31st. How’d you guys pull that one off? 

Um, guys?

My Life in a Cube

Just found this website full of cute office cartoons by Shane Johnson.  "So depressing it's almost funny," is how Shane puts it.  Not only are they funny but they are are all done on actual office supplies.  Bonus points for wasting both company time and money! 

Check him out here. 

Neverwhere

One of my new favorite books.  Loved it.  Recommend it.  Don't have time to explain why.

Wizard's Mix

Gandalf's trail mix of choice:

The Annual Office Meeting: Bodies Welcome

What do you get when you mix a whole lotta sausage with a whole lotta bullshit? Nope, not a McGriddle sandwich. You get my company's annual office meeting! Twenty-two dudes and three women - the 3 women being administrative assistants and the 22 men being engineers. It is, after all, the year 1957. We used to have a female engineer, but she quit after a dispute over maternity leave. Now we just stick with men.

Our meeting was held in the function room of a local restaurant so that all of the people arriving for dinner could walk by and be thankful that they weren't us. What they saw was the complete opposite of a Dave & Buster's commercial. You know, the one where some lady is shaking two fistfuls of prize tickets while buffalo chicken rains down around her, and her boyfriend is playing skee-ball with Cajun shrimp exploding out of the chandeliers. Yeah, no, we all just looked depressed as hell. Hands folded, eyes down, don't even think about whacking a mole or you're fired kind of expressions.

These meetings are always chock full of good sayings and reminders such as "give 110%" and "change is the only constant." But my all time favorite is when our branch manager refers to us as "bodies." He said, and I quote:

"We have a few more bodies in the room this year than we did last year."
"It's always nice to bring in some new bodies."

It's nice to know that we are the equivalent of a wheelbarrow full of interchangeable, re-animated, corpses.

Anyway, once the slogan "you make a mistake, you die" was thoroughly beaten into our brains, it was time to hand out service awards for a job well done! Particularly disturbing was the one handed out to an employee of 15 years along with the statement that he "knows where all the bodies are buried" (please see previous paragraph).

All in all the meeting wasn't totally terrible. It got me out of work at 3:00 p.m., a free glass of wine at the bar, and plenty of time to warn you that if you don't hear from me next week, please call the police.

Binding

Passive-aggressively enjoying the fact that our super-squeaky binding machine is annoying everybody around me.

Files

No hard feelings, but if you can't put a file back in the drawer facing the right direction, you're a fucking loser.

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Smell Like a Chain-Smoking Matthew Perry

One of the many charms of working in a shared office building is the existence of people who work at other companies. We see them come out of their mysterious offices for lunch, or cigarette breaks, or to go to their cars. They look like us, and even talk like us, but they are very much an alien race. Rarely do we speak to these people or know their names, and only under extreme circumstances are we ever invited inside their offices (one time I had to notarize something for the people across the hall. It was terrifying.). For all we know, the Sears Billing Center is just a front for the Human-Orc Inter-Species Fertility Clinic, am I right?

And so, rather than extending a hand to these strangers and saying "welcome to our planet," it is much easier to make up silly nicknames for them to laugh about with your co-workers. After all, our office is always better than your office. Well, unless it's MY office, in which case it sucks.

Here are some of the loons who work in my building:

1. Chain-smoking Matthew Perry
2. Crazy Muppet Lady
3. Cellbert
4. Coming up the stairs at 5:00 Fed Ex Girl
5. Bald Ex-Marine Smoker
6. Bon Jovi Hair Lady a/k/a Porcupine
7. Zoot Suit Riot
8. Raspy
9. Jumbo a/k/a Fat Guy Small Car a/k/a Weeble
10. Office Affair Duo
11. Huge Paralegal #1
12. Huge Paralegal #2
13. Sneakers Aren't Just for Fridays Girl
14. Corpse

Of course Raspy, Corpse, and the gang probably have nicknames of their own for me, but at least I will never be known as "Bon Jovi Hair Lady."

Got any office nicknames of your own? Post them below!

Monday

Open tub of cream cheese with a knife in it found in office freezer this morning.

Attention Employees

I just wanted to draw attention to this blog I found called Attention Employees, filled with hilarious articles such as this:

If an executive passes gas in a meeting, but no one acknowledges it, does it make a sound? As attendees at yesterday’s quarterly status meeting will anonymously attest, it does. SVP of Affiliate Sales & Marketing Allen Adams let loose a mighty wind while listing his expectations for the coming quarter, but everyone pretended to hear not the sound and smell not the funk.

 Click here to finish the article, Executive Flatulence Ignored, and read more like it!

  

Local Secretary a Total Fricking Rock Star From Mars

After clearing a multi-drawer paper jam from the photocopier with her fire-breathing fists, local secretary Barbara Peterson has declared herself a total fricking rock star from Mars.

"This insurance agency can't process me. You can't process me with a normal brain," said Peterson, 64, heading into the kitchen. "Oooh look, somebody brought bagels!"

Peterson first entered the spotlight as perfect and bitchin back in May of 2009 when she singlehandedly located a missing Word document from Wilson Insurance Agency's server.

"Look what I'm dealing with, man, I'm dealing with fools and trolls," said Peterson, motioning to long-time boss Marvin Cohen, 43. "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I can't process it," well, no you never will, just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show."

While generally referred to as "okay" and "nice I guess," by most co-workers, several have expressed concern over Peterson's refusal to particpate in the "You Finish It You Fill It" coffeemaker policy, despite the sign clearly posted on the wall.

"It was written for normal people, people that aren't special," said Peterson. "People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA."

No I will not pick up your dry cleaning

"She most likely does not possess Adonis DNA," said Marvin Cohen. "Nor should she continue referring to her co-workers as trolls. I've been meaning to speak to her about that."

"Look," said Peterson," I'm on a drug. It's called 'Barbara Peterson.' It's not available 'cause if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and children will weep over your exploded body."

While it remains unconfirmed whether or not ones face will actually melt off after trying Barbara Peterson, it has been confirmed by administrative assistant, Megan Myers, that Barbara Peterson will certainly bore your ass off.

Seriously

I am Fed Ex'ng somebody a box of bricks.