I Will Say This One Time Only

I was in the toasty warm plotter room all by myself this morning with my McDonald's coffee, making copies of some plans, and I thought, just for a minute, "It could be a lot worse."

Local Admin Can't Just Sit Around Eating Turkey All Day Like Those Pilgrims

From behind a steaming cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese, Administrative Assistant, Marjorie Bangs, 43, declared that while the Pilgrims certainly had some challenges of their own, they would never be able to survive a day in her shoes.  "Sure they gave up everything to crowd onto a ship for two months with nothing to eat but salted fish and maggot infested biscuits," said Bangs, taking a few moments to reflect on the Thanksgiving holiday.  "But did they ever have to deal with Steve's moods on a Monday morning?" 

When not chowing down on breakfast pastries, Bangs can be found ordering toner cartridges and printing out Mapquest directions - tasks she ranks above that of our forefather's quest for religious freedom.  "The Pilgrims didn't know what to expect.  There could just as easily been elves with welcome baskets full of homemade jellies waiting in the woods as there were Indians with deadly bows and arrows. So what was there to be afraid of?  Me on the other hand, if I accidentally type in Oak Terrace instead of Oak Street, and Steve is late for his meeting, I know exactly what's going to happen."  Bangs demonstrated her point by making a "knife across the throat" motion.

While Bangs acknowledges that brutal conditions resulted in the death of 47% of settlers, she also notes that it is up to her alone to remind boss, Steve Carlson, that if he doesn't schedule his colonoscopy soon, all the November appointments will be taken.  "The Pilgrims didn't even have appointments," she added. "And if they did, they had plenty of Pilgrim women to help them out. Those women didn't have anything else to do.  Here, it's just me."  When informed that fourteen of the Pilgrim women died of hypothermia, scurvy, and diarrhea during the first winter, leaving a mere four women to nurse and cook for an entire colony, Bangs made a point of mentioning how she utilizes hand sanitizer and always keeps a cardigan on the back of her chair.  "It gets chilly in here so you have to know how to take care of yourself in the winter.  Especially when you're just sitting for hours at a time."

"Look," said Bangs, "I appreciate everything those people did for our country.  But it was simpler times back then.  Some days I'll be juggling three things at once while Steve is breathing down my neck to do things his way. It's always got to be his way.  I have no freedom here.  The Pilgrims worked hard and all, but they never had to deal with this kind of persecution." 

I Can't Wait Until Monday Etc.!

 

 

Secretary4Life's Thanksgiving Table, Literally

In order to improve our lousy, ungrateful, attitudes, a fellow administrative assistant suggested that each day we try to think of something that we are thankful for at work (besides a paycheck).  As everybody knows, there is no better time than Thanksgiving to be halfheartedly thankful for all the things that you sort of appreciate around the office.  And if forcing myself to come up with positive things to say about secretarial work passes the time until I'm sinking my teeth into a juicy turkey dinner, then let's get started:

Item of Thankfulness	Thankfulness Meter
Last week I was thankful for the leftover pickles and Cheetos I found in the kitchen.   Right before that discovery I was thankful for my Starbucks coffee.	After mixing the three together, not so thankful.
We are both thankful that we didn't work as secretaries before photocopiers were invented.  If somebody needed ten copies did the secretary have to type up ten copies?  Or did bosses not even ask for ten copies because they could instead chase you around the desk grabbing at your ass?  It seems likely that in a time of unrestricted sexual harassment, secretaries may have had it made.	Thankfulness re-evaluated and canceled out
My admin friend is thankful that I taught her "Alt-0176" makes the "degree" symbol in Word.  Okay look, I'm thankful when the IT guy fixes my printer and when I remember how to freeze panes in Excel, but I'm not about to bring it up over Thanksgiving dinner.	Thankfulness exaggerated
I am thankful for the free packets of Advil in the kitchen. It's nice of this place to say "We realize we are causing you physical pain, we accept it, and here is a little something to treat the symptoms instead of solving the underlying problem."	Thankfulness depressing and accompanied by a shoulder shrug
My admin friend is grateful that there are bowls of Halloween candy around the office. Though yesterday she said, and I quote, "I'm about to puke from eating Halloween candy, don't let me eat any more no matter what I say or do."	Thankfulness self-destructive
I am thankful that none of the barf-worthy insects in my cubicle have ever crawled out of something I was holding.	Thankfulness sincere
Finally, I'm thankful that I get the day after Thanksgiving off.  Nameless satanic corporation that I work for, in this one instance you are relatively decent.  I won't even bring up the fact that you have no respect for MLK Jr., Washington, Lincoln, Columbus, and all war veterans.	Thankfulness bittersweet, slightly resentful, but genuine

 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.  Enjoy your time off, and remember, the pilgrims worked way harder than you ever will.

Holiday

I'm working today so that veterans may have plenty of expanded Walmarts and remodeled McDonalds at their disposal. It's the least we can do.

The Most Awesomest Thing Ever

If you've ever wanted to decide which one is awesomer, Vikings or Muhammad Ali, now is your chance!

At The Most Awesomest Thing Ever you can vote endlessly on these types of things.  Hobbits or a nap? Kimmy Gibbler or onion rings?  They are all duking it out for the title of the Awesomest Thing Ever, with results for the day, the week, and all time.  It's all up to you!  Getting fired for spending three hours on this site, however, that's up to your boss.

I Knew The Sun Was a Jerk Ever Since It Killed Me in Super Mario 3

Ok look, Sun, enough with this game.  Alright?  Just because you support all life on Earth and without you every terrestrial being would basically curl up and die, does that  mean you have to be such a bitch during our commute?  Here we are, just trying to get home to our families after slaving away at our jobs, and there you are, dead center of I-495, being nothing but a total wanker.  "Oooh look at me, I use nuclear fusion to produce kinetic energy!"  Big deal.  I could have done that in ninth grade.  Nobody's impressed by you, Sun.  Not when traffic comes to a screeching halt every time we drive around a bend and your blazing jerk rays reappear. Maybe you were hot stuff back at 12:00 p.m. when all the doctor's wives and college kids were lazing around the beach basking in your holier-than-thou rays, but guess what?  It's 5:00 p.m.  Get over yourself and just set already.  I didn't leave work so I could get my eyeballs scorched, rear-end somebody, veer off the road, and land in a tree.  And I especially didn't leave work so I could spend the rest of my night trying to watch Project Runway with a major headache.  You're sick, man.  Sick. 

 

I don't know, maybe I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that nobody's ever told you this before.  So I'm going to tell you now, as a friend.  People don't like it when other people get all up in their faces.  And they definitely don't like it when a 9,941 degree blazing ball of turds does it while they're trying to drive.   I'm sorry, I went too far.  Don't get mad.  Until I can get over to Target and pick up some Vitamin D supplements, I need you in my life.  I don't want this to get awkward.  

 

What the...are you laughing up there?  My rods and cones are at stake and you think this is some kind of joke?  Look buddy, not all of us have 5 billion more years to just dick around in the sky.  Why don't you get your yellow ass down here and fight me?  Let's end this once and for all.  Let's see who the real G-type main sequence star really is.  

 

For somebody who's 8.31 light minutes away, you sure know how to get on my nerves. 

 

Hey

According to Google Analytics, somebody found my blog by googling "making fun of secretaries." As if we don't already have it hard enough.

House of Doolittle

And I thought it was just a regular desk blotter:

Can I Get That In a Meal Deal?