Happy Thanksgiving Dinner Conversation

Everybody enjoy listening to your grandmother and dad discuss Adam Lambert leading a man around stage on a leash.  Times they are a changin' folks.

7 years old, black & white, divorced

My cat enjoys tuna, long walks on the beach, and cleaning his gums out on the corner of my laptop.  With such good oral hygiene it's a shame that he's still single.

End of Days

Two weeks from today I will be once again sitting in my cubicle.  I will continue to sit there until, in all likelihood, the apocalypse.

This is better than watching t.v. right?

Instructions

Unhelpful instructions of the day from the Balboa Baby Sling:
"Place the rings at your shoulder level where you would wear a corsage."

Seeing that I haven't recently retired from my position at the bank or celebrated my 50th wedding anniversary, I'm not really familiar with where one wears a corsage.  But thanks.

Nursing

I seriously considered going into nursing after I had my baby.  But then I remembered that nurses give people enemas.

The System Has Been Compromised

This old guy I used to work for didn't realize that he was completely computer illiterate - he would always ask people for their "email numbers" and thought that I had something to do with the creation of the United States Bankruptcy Court's website.  One day our poor IT guy who had to be a saint installed PC Anywhere so he could fix our problems without having to set foot in the office.  My boss was at his desk when IT guy started working remotely on his computer, and when he saw the cursor moving around by itself and folders opening up he flipped out and started yelling "The system has been compromised! The system has been compromised!" He was pretty concerned that someone had hacked in and was making off with our fax cover sheets.  On a related note, one time our IT guy went missing for 3 weeks, no joke.  My boss must've left him 17 voice mails a day, and I just wanted to ask him if he realized he may have driven the guy to suicide.

Hangers

Some of my hangers were caught in each other's hanging mechanisms.  I untangled them and continued to hang items.

Merry Christmas

I used to work in an office that was part of an old house and there were tenants living upstairs - an older couple probably in their sixties.  One day I was opening the mail and ripped open what I thought was some junk mail wrapped in blue plastic, but instead out comes the Denise Richards Christmas edition of Playboy.  I quickly checked the address label because I thought it was for my boss and wanted to make sure before I threw myself into oncoming traffic, but nope, turns out it was for the old couple upstairs!  And even better, it was addressed to the wife.  And instead of just throwing the magazine out or taking it home for hubby, I slid it underneath their door all ripped open.  I may have even left a note apologizing for opening it.  Please God, don't let me have left a note.

Yuck

In the hallway the morning after we took a limo to our office Christmas party:

Douchey Boss:  Did you have a good time last night?
Me:  Yeah, it was fun.
Douchey Boss:  Did you happen to notice anything weird going on in the back of the limo?
  (Douchey Boss and new girlfriend were in the back of the limo)
Me:  Weird?  No...like what?
Douchey Boss:  Nothing, nothing, nevermind.
    (Nausea and awkwardness ensue until I give my notice 2 years later)
    

Tales of Yesteryear

The first and only time that I've cried at work was on the first day of my last job.  This 80 year old asshole came in for an appointment with his attorney and yelled at me because when he called I told him his appointment was at 1:00 instead of 1:30, thus making him EARLY for his appointment.  Who yells at somebody for making them early?  "Please, don't hold that elevator for me you son of a bitch!!"  "How dare you let me pull out into traffic ahead of you you m#ther f&634r?!?!"   Yeah, that's normal behavior.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's dead now so that kinda makes me happy.

Daytime T.V.

Dr. Oz and Jerry Springer have the same exact voice.

Dirty Bottles